dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
