I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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