Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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