I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
