I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
