I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
