Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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