you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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