Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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