if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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