I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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