meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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