this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize