is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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