a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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