I just pynch a tree in the face
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize