Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
