i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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