Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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