Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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