At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize