If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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