at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
