A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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