she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
