So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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