first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
