My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
