so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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