She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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