Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
