hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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