The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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