He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
