Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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