Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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