Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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