if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
