I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
