ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
