I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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