i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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