Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Two words: nipple clamps
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