just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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