I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
