That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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