i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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