I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize