it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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