areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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