i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
