Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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