I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
