Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
