so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
