I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
