My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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