Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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