Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
