i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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