Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You've changed since you got that strap on
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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