Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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